What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 04:20
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
What does it mean if someone asks if it’s pink?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What are the differences between INFJ-T and INFJ A?
I will be 64.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Are you afraid to get married and why?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im still living with it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
One cannot live in the past .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it wasn’t much.
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She found it foreign!.
I have no regrets .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was seconnd youngest,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So, i spoilt her more .
She loved him until the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
What did i know ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i lived it daily.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ive learnt so much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!